Tips for Supporting Your Wife in Ministry

Maybe she knew she was called even before you met, or perhaps her calling emerged after you were already married. In any case, her calling to serve others influences your relationship. How it affects the two of you will depend on how the two of you work together when internal and external forces come calling.

Internal Forces

Whether it’s your mind, your soul, or spiritual influences, you will experience internal struggles.

Initially, your ego will be put to the test. Depending on your personality, gifting, and calling, you may start your own ministry in your church. You may be a volunteer who discovers that your wife is on the church staff.

Because a woman pastor may be a novelty in a church, she is going to get noticed while what you are doing gets ignored. People may come to you asking to speak to your wife. A little voice inside may say, “What am I? Chopped liver?”

Some (or most) Sundays, you may find yourself sitting alone at church. Either she is fighting the good fight in children’s ministry, or on stage as part of the service. You may remember the good old days when you sat together as a couple, then notice other couples in the church worshipping.

Inside Voice

Your inside voice questions whether you will ever worship together again. Then you start to question whether that is you, or the enemy whispering lies.

If you have kids, you may find yourself getting them ready for church and getting them to their Sunday school classes. Your toddler may have chosen the most inopportune time to fill his diaper.

Or your daughter may be in tears because you didn’t style her hair the way Mom did; she decided today was the day for her own fashion preferences to blossom, and she now has decided today would be a great day for separation anxiety.

You feel anger well up inside you. You didn’t sign up for this. You make a lousy mom, and besides, why does that Sunday school teacher have that smirk on her face? It’s not your fault your daughter thinks pajamas are a high-fashion statement!

Then you remember Jesus washing his disciples’ feet. Yes, you are supposed to be a servant leader. Yes, the first shall be last, and the last shall be first. It’s all true, and it’s also true that you feel anger and embarrassment. How do pastors’ husbands do it? How do pastors’ wives do it?

Whether it’s your flesh, your ego, or Satan whispering lies, you have a choice to respond or react. And I would be lying if I proclaimed I’ve done it perfectly. Our internal voices are powerful and overwhelming.

External Forces

When Satan is at the top of his game, he can combine internal and external forces to make a powerful, unfair offensive.

A man desires to protect his wife and family. And it can be tempting to come to the rescue when things aren’t going the way you’d like. You may want to step in when you know it isn’t the time or place.

You notice one of the church’s employees, a volunteer, or a church member isn’t treating your wife with the respect you think she deserves.

It was bad enough when your wife worked outside the church and came home frustrated about how she was treated at work. When something similar happens in your own church, you can be taken aback. Christians shouldn’t act that way!

We should speak the truth in love, right? Of course, when you see the offense, you don’t feel like lovingly pointing the problem out either. You want to go on the attack!

Then you wonder what is worse: an offense in person, or someone attacking you via an anonymous email or on social media. Do they even go to your church? If they do, they would never say those things in person.

You want to confront the coward. You begin to think, an eye for an eye sounds quite appropriate for such an unwashed, heathen cyclops.

Majoring in the Minors

Some external forces can appear minor, and then become a five-alarm fire. She receives a text message during dinner about an upcoming event. Suddenly, someone’s lack of planning and promotion causes division.

One group wants to simply call the event “Family Cookout.” The other wants to call it The Holy Ghost Weenie Roast. The latter group thinks it’s clever. The former finds it offensive and the graphics tacky. But the communications specialist already posted it on social media!

As she scrambles to calm nerves, you feel anger start to boil. Was this worth disrupting the family dinner? Couldn’t it wait until tomorrow? Apparently not, because Janice is ready to call an emergency board meeting!

Now What?

Don’t be surprised when the enemy tries to take you out. It doesn’t matter which spouse is called into ministry, or whether both of you are. The enemy considers anyone close to a minister fair game.

But be careful not to mistake people for the enemy. You may be tempted to view anyone who causes conflict as an enemy. You may even feel shocked when someone you thought was a friend makes an unkind comment or opposes something your wife is doing.

But our battle is not against flesh and blood. When you consider that spiritual forces are at work, you will learn not to take it personally.

It may surprise you to learn that yes, when your wife answered a call to ministry, so did you. You may be called to turn the other cheek and to pray for those who are less than gracious with your wife. Where in the world do you find the courage for this kind of fight?

A Quiet Place

Find time in the day to be alone with God. You need Bible and prayer time as much as any minister does. You are only ready for battle when you receive instructions from your commander. And that commander is the Good Shepherd. Spend some time talking to God and being in His Word. You need it as much as any minister.

Armor of God

Ephesians 6:10-18 reminds us to wear the right armor for the battle. You will need the

• Belt of Truth
• Breastplate of Righteousness
• Shoes of Peace
• Shield of Faith
• Helmet of Salvation
• and the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God

This is not a battle of power and domination. It is a battle of love, peace, and self-control. That is hard to do when you would rather slay the dragon and save the damsel. Sorry, friend. Pastor Damsel isn’t going to like it if you march around the church seeing every parishioner as a dragon.

Have a Trusted, Godly Friend(s) to Confide in

This can be very difficult when there are few guys around who can understand what you are going through. Odds are, they cannot be in your church. Because they are too close to the action.

It may be a retired pastor who also affirms women in ministry. Or it could be peers you have met at church conventions or denominational meetings.

It will definitely take intentionality and effort. It will also take some discernment to know who is trustworthy and can offer godly counsel. You might be surprised to discover someone facing similar struggles who simply needs you to listen.

Supporting your wife in ministry is no cakewalk. There will be challenging times. And you will find that supporting a loved one in ministry is as challenging as being the minister.

But I can say from experience, it is worth it to see your wife thrive as she answers the call to love God by shepherding a congregation.