I didn’t plan to become a “pastor’s husband.” And I definitely did not plan to be a pastor. My grandfather was a pastor, and I caught a glimpse of how the sausage was made.
- Church Splits
- Curmudgeonly elders
- Potlucks gone awry (Don’t try Sister Goldie’s tuna salad, unless you’ve been longing for a sick day)
I loved Jesus, and loved my Grandpa. He loved his church. But I also knew it wasn’t an easy life. He told me you had to be called to ministry in order to stay in it. So that was it. I didn’t hear the calling.
Instead, I thought I could be called to be another Charles Schulz, because surely everyone would always buy a physical newspaper and every newspaper was looking for the next Peanuts, right?
I could be winsome in my faith, like Sparky was, when he had Linus quote a Bible verse. A Christian comics artist seemed like a secure career move at the age of seventeen.
Yet, here I am.
In a twist of fate, it was my wife who answered the call. We didn’t take it lightly. I told her cautionary tales of unexpected 2:00 AM calls, worship wars, and Brother James, who wanted to give a thirty-minute testimony about his hangnail.
But she said yes. And because I love her (and recently illustrated a children’s activity book about stubborn Jonah and his detour to Nineveh), I said yes too.
I didn’t say yes to the same calling, nor the same role. I said yes to walking alongside her. And it was one of the best decisions I/we ever made.
That said, I’ve had a few confessions along the way.
Confession #1: I know some won’t “get it,” or even approve
I get it. And if you don’t approve, God bless you. This post isn’t for you. You probably don’t come from my background, where women in ministry are affirmed and encouraged.
I realize that even some from my church background will not approve because the larger church culture and Christian media may not approve of women in church leadership.
To be clear, I belong to a Wesleyan Holiness tradition that affirms women in ministry. This is not new, it’s not experimental, and it’s not edgy. It’s historical and theologically grounded.
Still, I’ve found it can confuse some people, like at a recent wedding my wife officiated, when a guy turned to his neighbor and asked, “What’s she doing up there? Where’s the bald, stodgy priest with the clerical collar?” Sorry to disappoint you, Skippy. That pastor is my wife!
Confession #2: I’m Not the Assistant Pastor
I admit we don’t make it easy for others because we both started in children’s ministry and served alongside each other for years.
So, I say this with affection and the realization that my dear grandmother, the pastor’s wife, had to say these things, too.
- I am not automatically on staff
- I am not secretly in charge of visitation, small groups, the facilities, or senior bingo night (However, I might know where the ice-melt, the mop, and the plunger are).
- I am not required to have opinions
In more than one church, I heard the joke, “When they got Paula, they got a two-for-one special.” That was especially true when she was the head of the children’s ministry, because I, too, felt called to pour into children. But not everyone is wired that way.
A pastor’s spouse needs to find where they are gifted and to have a passion for ministry. It could be in an area that the pastor doesn’t serve. Or it may even be in a way that no one else sees on a regular basis.
It may also be just supporting his wife at home or behind the scenes. Don’t assume because we’re married to the pastor that we are an associate pastor!
Confession #3: Supporting Her Call Has Changed Me
Of course, we all change over time. But I didn’t expect how the ministry and the calling changed both of us.
Before her calling, I thought I knew how much it took to run a church service. Boy, was I naive! Prepping for a Sunday morning can look like D-Day, especially during the Christmas and Easter seasons.
And it can become a crisis during cold-and-flu season. When volunteers start dropping like brave soldiers on Omaha Beach, it can get discouraging for the General.
But each time the planning faced reality, whenever volunteers had to call off, or simply fail to show up, I saw my wife be faithful to her call.
It inspired me to do the same and report for duty in the preschool class where runny noses and sloppy sneezes prompted the bravest to wonder if they would be next in the great Influenza purge.
When she was called to another church, and things weren’t as they seemed, I saw her be faithful to the call even when church politics made us want to scream.
I saw her faithfulness to God’s call on her life and witnessed how he blessed it even in the most trying times. My love for her grew to admiration.
Resilience is required in ministry. And I hope a little of hers rubbed off on me. I’ve learned to point out hers and to be an encourager. That is rough when I just want to fix things.
Her ministry has taught me you can’t fix others who aren’t willing to change. In discovering that, I have changed for the better.
Confession #4: Sundays are Weird
They are exciting, action-packed, and loud. And yes, they can be a little weird.
One Sunday, a new couple showed up at our church. Ever the welcomer, my wife began chatting with them. Soon, the husband confessed that they had mistaken the church building for a nearby casino. They apologized and rushed out. We were left wondering what about the landscaping screamed Las Vegas.
Another time, there was a great controversy between teachers and a parent who insisted it was perfectly normal for her four-year-old to come to church with his squeaky shoes. The mother threatened to complain to the church board about the teacher after he remarked that they had forgotten to bring the clown car that day.
And then there was the time when the senior pastor decided to change communion up with a chalice instead of individual cups. Confused, a gentleman grabbed the cup and took a big swig. Everyone behind him were apalled. But he went home satisfied.
Why I’m writing this
I’m writing this because I’m not alone.
There are men who share a similar journey. They may not be called in the same way as their wives, but they see how God has used their wives to minister to their churches and to those in need.
This series isn’t about having all the answers. But it is about telling my journey and helping along someone who may be where I was several years ago. And for those who are not in a similar situation, I’ll do so with a wink and a few one-liners along the way.
Over the next several months, I’ll write about what it is like to support a wife in pastoral ministry: the challenges, the blessings, and the awkward moments. I’ll write as a husband, not a theologian or an expert. But I’ll write as a husband who loves the Lord and loves his wife.
If you are on a similar path, come along with me.
And if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to be a pastor’s husband, well, this is my confession.
