A lot has happened since I said, “I do.” On my wedding anniversary, I pondered what thirty-five years of marriage has taught me.
On December 3, 1988, I took the plunge with a lady I had fallen for nearly two years earlier. We began as college classmates, learned to like each other (despite our very different music and fashion tastes), and fell in love, to the surprise of nearly everyone (including us).
Since that unseasonably warm December day, we’ve had a lot of adventures and misadventures. We’ve experienced career changes and loss. And we found ourselves in ministry. Boy! We didn’t see that coming!
Along the way, we raised two great kids, two cats, and a dog who hated children. Considering my wife was in children’s ministry, we didn’t consider that an asset.
There are time-worn tips on how to have a successful marriage. There are also a few lessons I learned along the way.
- How to solve the biggest problem with marriage
- Thoughts on a Marriage (2021)
- Why you can expect change in a marriage
Today, I am pondering some of the lessons I learned. Here are four observations that come to mind.
Two are better than one.
There was a time when I thought I was self-sufficient. And sure, I know I could survive on my own. But as King Solomon said, things are more efficient and effective when two people are involved.
Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.
For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (KJV)
Whether I have been in a brainstorming session at work or being a parent at home, two are better than one. We are social creatures. Things turn sour fast when we believe we get no benefit from being in a community.
In effect, we need community, whether in the form of a family, a church, or a social club. Life is more challenging when we choose to go it alone.
Selfishness harms everyone… including the selfish!
To get along, we all have to make some compromises. Even as this snowman cartoon suggests, it may cost us something.
Nowadays, it seems compromise is a dirty word. Our way is the only way. And if someone disagrees with you, they are simply wrong. If we aren’t careful, this attitude can creep into marriage.
I am not saying we should compromise our principles. But if your principles include leaving your dirty laundry on the floor, you must reevaluate them!
Marriage is an excellent test of whether we are selfish. It changed my world when I had to consider another person’s opinions, feelings, and needs. But in the early stages, I wondered if it was a positive change.
When I had to confront my selfishness, it didn’t feel good. I didn’t have a warm, fuzzy feeling when I had to humble myself and apologize for a flippant remark or not considering the balance of house duties.
I have seen husbands and wives who never learned that lesson and let selfishness ruin their families. And I’ve seen one spouse be so selfless as their narcissistic spouse continued to run over them with selfish, callous actions.
Whether the giving spouse remained or couldn’t take it anymore, the selfish spouse only harmed themselves. They poison their relationships, then moan that no one understands them.
Invest In Your Family. They will outlast your career.
Not only has my marriage taught me valuable lessons, but my parent’s relationship has also.
I am blessed to still have my parents with me. Next year, Lord willing, they will celebrate sixty years of marriage. My father was an underwriter and claims adjustor for an insurance agency. My mother was a nurse.
At this stage in their lives, they have long since retired. Their grandchildren may have a vague idea of what they did for a living. But that doesn’t define them. The time they put into their families is what matters today.
I have been laid off twice by two different companies. I’ve had highs and lows in my career. And I’ve been in jobs I’ve loved and those I tolerated for a paycheck. Whether I was flipping burgers, illustrating books, consulting on social media, or managing surly creatives, my family has been consistently there for me because I was there for them.
No matter your career, it is transactional. They are there if you supply a service or product your boss or client values. But the minute they believe they no longer need you, you are gone!
Invest in your family. If you are married, value your spouse over your career. If you have children, ensure they know they are more important than your career.
If you are fortunate, you will outlive your career. If you are wise, you will take the time and effort to ensure your loving family outlives you.
There are no guarantees.
Do you know what else marriage has taught me? There are no guarantees. There are some couples who I thought would stay together and are now history. And there are loved ones who have suffered the death of their spouse.
We can do all the right things, and life still throws a curveball we didn’t see coming. Don’t take anything for granted. At the very least, don’t take your spouse for granted!
We are not in control, nor are we God. And a marriage is a lesson in letting go of control. We compromise, learn to be selfless, and give others agency to make their own decisions. Even so, there are no guarantees we will like the decisions another makes.
Love is not a guarantee. Faithfulness is no guarantee that another person will honor that. And our dreams in our twenties may look nothing like the realities of our fifties. The world has changed dramatically, after all.
Life and love is a risk. My prayer for you is that it was worth it. Not everyone’s path will look the same, even if we do everything the same way.
So that is what thirty-five years of marriage taught me. Two are better than one; selfish people hurt themselves and everyone around them. Invest in your family, and realize the risk is worth it despite no guarantees. May you learn your own valuable lessons and be blessed.
