A lot has happened since I said, “I do.” On my wedding anniversary, I pondered what thirty-five years of marriage has taught me.
On December 3, 1988, I took the plunge with a lady I had fallen for nearly two years earlier. We began as college classmates, learned to like each other (despite our very different music and fashion tastes), and fell in love, to the surprise of nearly everyone (including us).
Since that unseasonably warm December day, we’ve had a lot of adventures and misadventures. We’ve experienced career changes and loss. And we found ourselves in ministry. Boy! We didn’t see that coming!
Along the way, we raised two great kids, two cats, and a dog who hated children. Considering my wife was in children’s ministry, we didn’t consider that an asset.
Like most English words, pride is a nuanced word that can have both good and bad meanings. I like what John Maxwell says about pride and humility.
“There are two kinds of pride, both good and bad. ‘Good pride’ represents our dignity and self-respect. ‘Bad pride’ is the deadly sin of superiority that reeks of conceit and arrogance.”
On this day, thirty-three years ago, I was in an Ohio church, watching the most beautiful bride walk down the aisle. It was a warm, clear day for December and the church was decorated for Christmas. It was a fantastic start to our marriage.
Since then, we have gone through many challenges and experienced numerous blessings. Through it all, we have remained committed to each other. One of those challenges occurred in 2001 when I was laid off from a publishing company.
I was working a contract job as a graphic designer and we just celebrated our thirteenth anniversary. A coworker asked me what our secret was to a happy marriage. Without much thought, I blurted, “mutual submission.” I could tell that took her by surprise. She didn’t want to hear that. But twenty years later, I still hold it to be true.
Now some would say that isn’t a “biblical marriage.” They would tell me the scriptures say it is the wife should submit to the husband. After all, Ephesians 5:22–24 says that. And while I agree, I assert you can’t have Ephesians 5:22–24 without verses 25–33. That section instructs the husband is to do love with the greatest care. It requires both parties to a high level of love and respect.
Leadership in a marriage requires love, respect, care and consideration. It requires the kind of love Paul writes about in 1 Corinthians 13. That requires a submission that is counter-intuitive to any selfish, narcissistic perspective.
So yes, I still say today, a happy marriage requires each one to yield, acquiesce and be considerate of the other. All I can say is it has worked for me, and I am so glad it has!
Last night, I got to see a very good man and woman honored. They are a couple of great integrity. Rolland Daniels is a man whom I have seen in various situations. Firstly, I have seen him has my pastor. Secondly he was my wife’s boss, and as someone who remained the same through good and challenging times. Thirdly, I’ve even seen him as a client when my company published his book.
In addition, I’ve seen his wife, Ellen in action as a pastor’s wife, classmate, and friend.
Through it all, I’ve seen their integrity shine through. Last night, we held an event as Rolland retires from ministry as a pastor. But like many have said about him, he by no means is retiring from ministry.
He writes it as a tribute to the values his father passed down to him. They are values I’ve seen him display as well. As a result, it was good to see a man and his wife honored for decades of faithful ministry. It has also been so good to see a faithful man being honored for these values.
Powerful, Kind Words
The first conversation I remember having with Rolland was at the Anderson University Kardatzke Wellness Center. It was before my wife or I worked with him. I considered him an acquaintance. We were both in the weight room when he spotted me.
He walked towards me. With a warm smile he said, “Hey, Kev! How’s G?”
“G” is short for my son’s name. I told him how he was doing well in football, and about to finish up high school I mentioned he was considering Anderson University for college.
He replied, “Man, Kev. You must be proud! That boy is going places. God has his hand on him. I hope you know that!”
I thanked him and we went on with our workouts. That touched me. Did he know my family that well? And he was speaking life and affirmation about my son! He didn’t have to do that. But it made my day. And you can bet I let my son know!
Boss Man
Later, he became my church’s executive pastor. My wife was the children’s pastor and she reported to him. We learned he was just as effective and genuine as a boss compared to behind a pulpit. We were so impressed because those are two very different sets of skills.
He was very supportive of us when my daughter was diagnosed with arthritis. He would ask my wife about her and encouraged my wife to take her on trips to the children’s hospital. Last night, he was honored for being a good family man. I also know him as someone who honored and nurtured my family.
He was gracious and encouraging when we felt called to another church and another state. Later, my wife loved working with him so much, she agreed to work with him one more time before he retired. We haven’t regretted it.
Beside Every Great Man
Rolland’s wife, Ellen was also honored tonight. She and I were in MBA classes at about the same time Rolland was our executive pastor. I found her to be just as genuine, caring and encouraging. There are so few couples who walk the walk. They are a couple that exudes integrity, teamwork and hospitality.
As the husband of a pastor, I’ve had few role models. Ellen showed me that you can work on your own career goals while supporting your spouse in ministry.
The Real Deal
Therefore, last night was bittersweet. We will miss them as they pursue a new stage in their lives. No doubt, they will show their integrity, warmth, and love for God wherever they go. My wife and I will genuinely miss them! They are the real deal!
Texting has revolutionized the way I communicate. If I suddenly have something I want to share with my wife or kids, I can send it immediately and not worry if they are busy. I can send a note of encouragement to a friend. I don’t have to dispense with the pleasantries of small talk before getting to the point. I can make the point and have an answer in a moment.
But the temptation is to make that the primary form of communication because it is so effortless. It’s easy to type a thought and send it. A lot can be lost in translation. It is difficult to make a true connection with a few words and no context. A text is an electronic sticky-note. Make sure when you are using it, it’s the appropriate way to communicate in that situation.
Sometimes it is just better to make the call. But it can feel awkward if I’m out of practice. It can feel too easy to hide behind a text. I’ve heard of couples breaking it up over a text. Really? It may be easier but it is not the way to deal with something so emotional.
Sometimes it is better to make the call or to visit someone in a person. If I have something important to say, I will make that call today.
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